Four thousand feet and still falling...

What is "real"?

2008-08-24T23:43:00.002-07:00

It's been an interesting week.

One of my very closest friends is currently completely pissed off at me, to the point where I don't know that she's actually going to let me defend myself, or just continue to tell me what I bitch I am. It makes me sad that a friendship that long in the making can be completely dessicrated in a matter of an hour by one single person. Ouch.

Is it possible that this is my fault? Definitely, at least in part. It is without a doubt. It's funny though, that friendships are such fragile things.

Which brings me to my next point - what is 'real'? This has been something I've been dealing with a lot lately... trying to wrap my mind around the idea of just being straight up and honest with everything I do, all the time. In that case, I shouldn't have to be battling for my friendship here. We should just be able to hash it out because we'd both know that everything that has been said has been done so in the interest of complete honesty.

Unfortunately, just because I'm trying to work that way, doesn't mean the rest of the world does.

*sigh*

Everyone else is doing it...

2008-08-07T00:57:00.002-07:00

Well, no one acutally reads this... but since it's currently linked to a site people actually DO read (namely Michelle's blog) I guess I'll make an attempt to actually write on it again.

In fact, this could be a good way to get myself into writing again, on a more frequent basis than once a month. If that.

HA!

Letsse here... life is currently crazy. I've quit my cushy, well paying office job (with benefits!) for a job that barely lets me pay my bills. But I can dance at work. And wear whatever the hell I want. And let my tattoos hang out all over the place.
Basically, it lets me be ME.

But I don't get paid much.

Which sucks.

I'm getting new tattoos anyway, cuz it's part of what I do. And I still go to shows. And buy too much beer. And fruit, oddly enough. (But really, who can have too much beer and fruit?)

It would appear that my life right now is all about figuring myself out. I've been trying to do that for some time, but I've ultimately been unsuccessful.

Hopefully this time, I can hash a few things out.

Like what I'd like to DO with my life. That would be a good start...

"Even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea..."

2007-07-10T21:08:00.001-07:00

It's beautiful here.

It really is.

I find I have to remind myself of it, every once and a while, as I still find myself wondering if moving here was the right thing to do, or just plain impetuous.

I have a nice little apartment, with a balcony. It's 30 seconds away from a huge park, and 10 minutes from downtown. I'm never cold (today I've been sweating all day - amazing!) and always bright, even when it's cloudy. The city is small, but bustling.

The biggest thing though, the thing that really sold me on moving here: the ocean. Two minutes away from me is the inlet, with the ocean crashing in and the mountains towering in the distance. And out from that - open water, as far as the eye can see.

I have to walk out there, every once and a while, just to remind myself.
This is why I came here.

New city - new life...?

2007-07-04T18:30:00.001-07:00

Wow.

It's been a long time since I've posted on here... it's funny how changes in one part of your life seem to filter through and affect so many other parts.

Those of you who actually read this probably already know: I've picked up roots and moved to Victoria.

Why? Well, it's funny - I get asked that a lot and I still don't think I could give a concrete answer. Part of it was that I was considering going to school here. They have this rather interesting sounding writing course at the university here, all organized into workshops rather than actual classes. Part of it was that the rent is the same here as in Edmonton right now.

But a big part of it, the part that people really don't seem to get, is that I just needed to get away. Go somewhere completely new and different where nothing was the same as before and here was a good a place as any. I'd been planning Ireland anyway. This just came up first.

It's not quite what I expected. Not really. I mean, there are the little things: yes, there's more old people here, but there's also a LOT (and I mean a lot) of teenagers here! Masses of them! Anyone who tells you that Victoria is just a bunch of old people and university students has obviously never lived here - it's a lie. There are kids everywhere. It's spooky.
It's simultaneously more and less busy than I thought. I mean, there are more people on the street (I didn't take tourists into account) but everything is a lot more spread out. It's a trick getting groceries home, let me tell you.

But the big thing is, I'm a lot lonelier than I expected. I know I've only been here for three days, but I'm already going a little stir crazy for a job and a life and other things - didn't think that would set in so quickly.

Either way, I'm job hunting... hoping for the best, in all things. I know I'm not that old, but I really am starting to feel like I've got to get something figured out soon here or I'm going to be in deep water. I'd hoped this move would help give me some perspective... right now, all it's making me is more lost.

A job will help. A job will really help.

2007-01-18T12:12:00.000-08:00

So following Dave's lead, I shall hereby attempt to have a semi-regular post. I don't think that I could do the whole "every tuesday and thursday at noon" or anything like that, but I will at least attempt to take up my lunchbreak by writing in my blog at least a couple of times a week.
When I get a lunch break.
Which is rare these days.

(I shall also attempt to post about things that are relevant and actually require thought, rather than just whining. But you know how it is...)

So now, on a spur of the moment idea, I will talk about exactly what I established above: my lack of lunch break. No, I'm not going to whine (although it is tempting, I must admit). I actually think that this is an issue that crops up more often then not in the "new" business world.
What do I mean?
Well, think about it. There's no such thing as job security any more. This is in itself both good and bad, but that's for another discussion. This lack of job security means that to get 'ahead' in the business sector you have to make sure that you are somehow better for the job than person B. This means hard work, and something the industry likes to call "Work Ethic".
Oooo, work ethic. Sound fancy doesn't it. Sounds like something everyone should strive to have.

But really, what work ethic means (and I've actually looked this up in my corporate directory) is someone who is willing to put in extra hours and extra effort to get things done.

Now don't get me wrong, I think that giving 100% to just about everything you do is important. And sometimes you do require an extra little 'umph' to get that project you're working on just right. But I've been working through my lunch hour and an hour late each work day this week to ensure that I get everything 'up to snuff'.
If I don't get all of this done, what happens?
Bye bye new job, bye bye future promotions.

I don't actually think that I'm going to stay here for the rest of my days, but in order to make sure that I leave with a good review, I have to work my ass off (aka have a good "work ethic") just to make sure I get the bare minimum done.

And that's just stupid.

Why do I even HAVE a blog... I mean, really...

2007-01-12T20:03:00.000-08:00

I never write in this thing. I mean, never. It's ridiculous really. Why do I have it? If I continuously refuse to update the thing, it's not like anyone's actually going to read it. You're all just going to give up (if you haven't already).

I'm having a weird evening today. It all stems from the fact that I just got a new job. A job that I swore I'd never take... I'd leave before I ended up there: but here I am. The new Administrative Assistant for the Customer Records Unit.
~sigh~
Given, it ups me by a couple of pay grades (and thus, a couple of thousand) and it looks great on a resume, but really, I never ever wanted this.

So thinking about how my life is currently turning out got me thinking about where it had all come from: reading old journals, thinking about people I haven't thought about in some time, generally stirring up old bones that should have remained buried.

And then I thought about Myspace, and my blog, and about how I never seem to give the time to them that would allow me to keep in touch with, well, some of those people.

And I'm rambling, and I should stop.
Now.

Eye Contact Conversations, Bus-twister and My Winter Cleaning

2006-11-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

So, being car-less, I ride the bus more or less everyday. It's an interesting bubble in the world of social convention really. People all stuffed together, sitting (often with legs touching) beside a complete stranger that you usually don't even make eye contact with, or standing sardine-like staring fixedly at the window. Or the floor. Or the signs over your head. Anything but having to look at the people you're sardined in with. Many of us 'young folks' even wear headphones to warn off those who might try and make vocal contact with us. It's kind of weird really, but it works.
Every once and a while though, something happens on the bus that forces any number of us to react outside of what we usually would. Just the other day I was squeezed (and I mean squeezed) into the back door area of the bus on the way to work. Someone dings the bell, and then starts to make their way towards the door. Two things happened, that stuck in my memory being kinda funny and kinda different.
I looked up at the girl standing directly across from me, and she looked back. And we smiled.
Just like that.
She rolled her eyes and made a "geeze, where are we supposed to move now" face, and I grinned and rolled my eyes back at her. The guy standing beside her looked at us both, then shook his head and laughed. Together, we all shuffled over to one side of the door. Foot in, arm over, shoulder back - and voila, the door opened and people got out.
Then we all shuffled back into our respective spots and resumed staring at the floor.
But it was nice, for just a few seconds the three of us had an entire conversation without speaking a word. I smiled and waved at her as I got off the bus. People should really do that more often.

As for my winter clean-up - I decided today (well, last night actually) that it was high time for me to tidy up my 'internet connections'. You know, those people that you've had on MSN since you were in high school but really have no real desire to keep in touch with anymore? The ones that you said 'YES' to on Myspace but don't really know why their on your friends list? That stuff. It's funny in a way, that deleting someone off of whatever on the internet is taken as an insult.
Sometimes it is, I'm sure. But really, should I feel guilty for removing someone whom I don't particularity want to talk to anymore? And who I haven't heard from in months?
No. It's clutter damn it. It's taking up space!
So, I'm tidying. If I tidy you off, and you don't want to be - message me. E-mail me. Whatever. It's not an insult. It's just that I don't have the time or the energy to track down every single person in my e-mail list and see if they still want to talk to me. Nope. Not happening.

Then again, if you're actually reading my blog, you're probably still on my list anyway. Right? :)

Statistics is the devil's work

2006-11-03T21:28:00.000-08:00

Ew.
Ok, those of you who actually know me also know that I don't really believe in the "Devil" in the traditional sense of the word, but if there were one, statistics would be his/her playground.
I really, really hate statistics.

You know really, it wouldn't be so bad if they would just ask me to explain all of the formulas and stuff. You know - write an essay detailing how the mean can be found using a sample value or some such nonsense. I understand how the formulas work, and how the theories function. It's when I have to try to put them into use that I foul up.

I CAN'T for the life of me figure out how to wade through the mathematical bullroar to get to the actual point of the question!!!

I'm only taking this course for the math requirement.
Then I swear to whatever Gods are listening that I'll never be caught in a math class again.
EVER.
Ick.

BOREDOM

2006-10-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

So looking back, it appears I told myself that I wasn't going to write anymore until I finished the Clown saga. I even have 'part 2' sitting in my edit bucket, waiting for me to do something with it. But now that all of September has past, and most of October, it appears that clown is just going to have to sit for a while. At least until I get in the mood to write it anyway. But none the less, I'm going to write something now even if just to get this updated. Not sure why, but should be done I suppose.
So lately, I've been doing a whole lot of nothing. Well, not really nothing... but it's sure starting to feel like it a lot of the time. I'm working full time still, at a job that I'm not really overly fond of, but that I can't complain about since it's permanent and gives me great wages and benefits. I'm stuck doing a stats course in the evenings (which sucks, since I hate math with a passion) and working overtime whenever I'm not doing that. Oh and trying to fit in time with my friends... but that doesn't always work so well either.
I know I often talk about how stuck I feel, but lately it's really, really true. I don't just feel stuck anymore, I AM stuck. Stuck in this town, stuck in this job, stuck in a course that I hate but need to graduate. I can't go anywhere without the papers, until my loan is paid off, until I have money saved up. It's craziness. And it just makes life so dreary.
Get up, tired. Go to work, tired. Go home, tired. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
SO BORING.

I try to stay optimistic. My boss loves me. People come to me with questions.
But I just feel stuck.
And I hate being stuck.
~sigh~

Clown Part 1 - the introduction

2006-08-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm having real trouble trying to find a way to put the last few weeks into words. Well, that's not exactly true. I mean, I'm sure I could find something... but it would probably be some sort of random verbosity going on and on for pages without really getting to the point. I think it's because the class wasn't really what I expected. It wasn't really even a drama class. More of a self-exploration/creativity class than anything else. Which is fine, it's just not what I expected. So because it wasn't what I thought, I'm having trouble finding a way to explain what I did find.

Did I enjoy it? Yes. Most of it.
Did it change my life? Probably. I mean, once you've 'found your clown' if you will, it's not like you can put her away again.

But was it all that I hoped it would be? Was it the incredible, awesome experience that others described?
Well, no. Not really.

I discovered some interesting things about myself, but often I was just bored. Bored by the exercises, bored by the people, bored of feeling like I must be missing something.
I MUST be - but I wasn't.

There were things I really liked. There were things I really didn't. And there were things that I was completely indifferent to.

If nothing else, this course has given me new ways of looking at myself, and at life. Simplicity, need, necessity...

I'm still having trouble trying to explicate what I mean.
I'm just going to have to do it, one little bit at a time.

It's been too long!

2006-08-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, has it ever!
Sheesh... I feel like I don't even know how to write anymore!
Well friends, my life was just eaten by a course at the university called "Drama 407"... also known as: Clown College! HA!
So three weeks later, I'm six credits closer to that elusive degree. Still have my math left though.

Anywho, this is just a brief post to assure those of you who've been waiting for me to update (you know who you are, you insistent people you) that I will post a rather lengthy exploration of my clown experience and, of course, anything else that happens to strike my fancy.

Back on the warpath am I.

Well that was weird...

2006-06-28T08:16:00.000-07:00

I have very vivid dreams. In full colour. Usually they're just weird random stuff. Me walking through a desert. A building full of ants. You know. Weird stuff. I very rarely dream about real situations that are happening (or could happen) in my life.
Now because I always dream about un-reality if you will, I'm pretty used to it. I enjoy it actually. It's a bit of an escape really.
But I'm getting off topic here. What I wanted to talk about was the times when I have dreams that are so, well, weird that I have to wonder: 'what the heck was that all about? Is my subconscious mind trying to tell me something? Are there alien implants in my brain? Ack!'

Take last night for instance. I was dreaming about this guy that I haven't seen in a very long time. I thought he was cute, but I never really had a crush on him. We were making out (not weird yet) on a pirate ship I think (still not that weird yet) and then came the weird part.

Our mouths stuck together. No really... (um, this is going to be a bit graphic but to get the idea...) my tongue was in his mouth and was just seriously, STUCK. It was weird. Even dream me went 'wtf is going on? does he have braces or something?' regardless of the fact that there is nothing on my tongue for braces to catch on. Weird. Well, things progressed (somehow I became unstuck, and we kept on... you'd think I would learn) but then, you guessed it folks, my tongue got stuck again. And this time when I tried to pull it out, I fainted. In my dream. Really. And when I came to I thought: 'wow. I just fainted from the pain. Guess it's really stuck.'

Uh... what? Now, getting my tongue stuck once was weird enough. But twice? And then fainting? What's up with that?

I think a dream analyst would have a field day with this one.
That, and my dream about the bouncing killer hearts...

...disappointment and regret collide...

2006-06-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

How do you tell someone when they've hurt you?

I have no trouble telling people when I'm mad. Mad is such an immediate emotion. It's BAM! Right there! I'm mad! Excitement, Joy... a lot of them are that way. But not hurt. Hurt is slow, and sneaky. You don't usually realize how far the extent of the hurt travels until much later. After the initial event is long past.

So how do I tell someone that they've hurt me? I know they didn't intend to... this person is someone I care about very greatly. And it's so long past that it would feel like bringing up old news. But it's also so long past that I've been able to spend all the time since then thinking about it. And dwelling on it. And comparing it to other observations I'm making.

In short, it's making me completely take myself to pieces.

What if I'm not what I thought I was all this time? What if I've been completely disillusioned, gone in the complete wrong direction. What if no one told me? And what the hell do I do now?

"Self improvement is masturbation... maybe self destruction is the answer."
Is it?

How do I tell someone that they've made me take myself apart...?

Literary transgressions

2006-06-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I like Margaret Atwood.

This is a difficult confession for me to make. You see, for years I refused to read anything by her. I insisted that I couldn't stand her fiction, and that you would never catch me reading it. It was partially to do with the fact that it was canonical literature, which I often find I have a slight aversion to. I hate the fact that English departments have universally decided what 'good literature' is and refuse to study, or often even acknowledge, other works of fiction that fall outside of this blinded view. It doesn't help that they often ignore the very 'rules' that they themselves have put in place to identify this so-called 'canon' when deciding what books to place on the 'plain-old fiction' shelf. For example, the original Frankenstein has been around for almost 160 years, has a huge history of readership, and has spawned several manifestations and recreations over the years. The fact that it isn't a work of sheer brilliance, though it is pretty good, is irrelevant. Hard Times and Mrs. Dalloway are horribly boring books, but they still ended up on the canonical shelf.
But I digress...
The other reason why I refused to read Ms. Atwood for so long is because I often hate to do/read what "everyone else is doing/reading". It's the same reason why it took me so long to read Harry Potter. I just couldn't stand that everyone said it was so good and it should be read. And Atwood is this Canadian fiction goddess. A Canadian woman writing stories that win worldwide recognition. You just have to read her.
Which is silly really. But there you go.

So I finally broke down and read a book by her at the beginning of this year. I'd gotten it for christmas, since I'd asked for it actually, and it was called "The Penalopiad".
It wasn't groundbreaking or anything (like the first time I read "Flowers for Algernon" back in grade school - I had to sit and stare into space for a while) but it was good. Interesting. Well put together. And, damn it all to heck, I liked her writing style.

So I broke down. I bought the novel. You know - the one that everyone says is her pivotal work. The one that won all the awards. You know the one... "The Handmaid's Tale".

It was good.
It was really, really good.

It's a little outdated now - the story takes place around the early 21st century which is already happening for us - but the subject matter is still just as real, and just as poignant. Maybe even more so with the way the States is running these days.

I'm not going to review the novel, for the simple fact that I don't want to ruin it for those who haven't read it yet, but I am going to say this.
You should read this book. It's good. It's sad. But most of all, it's frightening. Especially because we live in a time when such a thing doesn't seem impossible. I was reading the book and thinking 'yeah... I could see this happening'.

So today, my hat's off to you Margaret.
You tell a good tale.

And I laughed and laughed...

2006-05-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

Something, or perhaps more accurately someone, happened to me today.

I was going to buy some junk food (bad me, I know) and there was this guy in the store chatting with the guy at the counter.
He turns around and looks at me and says: "you're too young to be my wife. I'm looking for a wife you see, but you're too young."
to which I replied: "yes. yes I am."
him: "yep. looking for a wife for me. want to get married."
me: "well, good luck with that."
him: "oh, I don't believe in luck. god's going to get me a wife."
me: "... ah. sounds good."
him: "can't seem to win the lottery though. I bought a ticket but I didn't win. the devil's making me loose. it will be god's will if I win."
me: "right..."

Ok, so I condensed the last line there; he was talking about the devil making him loose the lottery though, and god making him win. Honestly. The thing is... this guy wasn't joking. He was completely dead-pan serious. It was the weirdest thing. I honestly thought he was so funny, that I wasn't even creeped out by the marriage thing. Ok... so I was a little bit, but not enough to leave the store or anything.
Too weird eh?

Some people just kill me...

Accosted by the defense mechanism

2006-05-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

The other day I was running behind and found myself a block away when the bus came up to the corner to turn at my stop. Not wanting to wait another 15mins for another bus, I of course ran for the bus. As I was running up beside, the door closed and the bus started to pull away, until I ran up to the door. Then she stopped and opened the door.
I thought: 'whew! that was close!' and showed my bus pass, expecting a laugh and a good morning, or at least a simple grunt of acknowledgement (it was only 8:00 after all). Instead, I received the brunt end of a defensive maneuver that I was completely unprepared for.

"Well, I didn't know what you were doing. I thought you were just jogging. You know, at a leisurely pace."

???

I, taken aback by this unexpected sally, stuttered a hasty "no... uh... that's alright..." and quickly went to find my seat.

What bothers me about the situation is this: I had no intention of getting upset or angry at the bus driver. It was my fault I was late. I had intended to get on the bus and say 'good morning' or something. Most of the bus drivers that pick me up in the morning laugh at me. But instead, I immediately get thrown a right hook, before I even know what the problem is.
Why do people automatically go on the defensive?
You thought I was jogging (in my parka???), fine. But the passive aggressive indication that I wasn't barreling for all I was worth to get to the door of the bus is really unnecessary.

I have always found it interesting that many people's first reaction to things is defensive. I'm not entirely sure where this impulse comes from, but it seems like it might be a better idea for people to think through the situation before they just jump into their defensive stance. Maybe too many of us are easily angered, and so people assume that they're going to have to 'stick up for themselves'? Seems like a pretty hasty assumption to me.

I try very hard to take things at face value, and let things just slide off my back. I don't always succeed... but I try. If others were to try this too, the world would be a much happier place.

And a very good morning to you too.

I feel like the ugly duckling

2006-05-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

Other than I don't feel like I'm going to turn into a swan at the end of the story.
Seven years is a long time to be single...
Nine months is a long time to be celibate.

Sorry for posting this here folks... I just feel so randomly angry/sad/annoyed/put out I just had to write it down somewhere.
Arg.

Ok... so being impulsive isn't always a good thing.

2006-05-08T15:44:00.000-07:00

I am an impulsive person. I know this. Typically, I'm a big fan of this. It saves time. It saves ego.
It saves souls.
Ok, maybe not souls. But it sure does make life a lot more spontaneous. Fun I tell you. Fun.
But every once and a while, I do something completely out of the blue, and then go: Uh... oops.

It's not that I regret things. I make a rule never to regret anything I do. It weighs me down too much. Obviously whatever I did seemed like a good idea at the time, so I'm just going to have to live with that. But I do occasionally look back and think that maybe I should have done something a little different. Or less blatantly. Or less stupidly. You know the drill.

Not a regret per say, but certainly a learning experience. Should I have done that?

Ah well... too late now!

Brave actions require brave reactions... or not...

2006-05-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

So it's been almost a week.
And nothing. Nilch. Nada.

Man this sucks.

I don't know if all straight girls feel this way... but I find that an insult (or a compliment) from a boy goes a lot further than one from a girl. Maybe this is true of all sexes and orientations, in that the 'attractive' sex has more sway over us.
Take for example, if a girl calls me ugly (which thankfully, has never happened) it would only take one (or possibly two) really sincere boys telling me I was attractive to make me feel better. But if a boy was to call me ugly (which also, thankfully, has not yet happened) all the girls in the world could say opposite, and I'd never fully believe them.
Ok, well maybe if it was a global consensus I would, but you get what I mean.

So maybe I'm going a bit overboard here. I'm tired. And beers (well, ciders actually) last night made me feel like a small, dark thundercloud waiting to explode. Or burst into rain. One of the two.
Boys are dumb.
Girls are dumb.
Arg... we're all dumb.

Or maybe I just have a complex.
Could be that.

___________________________________________________________________
*NOTE: Well, it turns out that he didn't receive the e-mail and thus didn't reply to it. *grin* Wanker status hereby removed! Ha!
*Further NOTE: Nevermind. Wanker status reinstated.
assbum...

Let the battle of Alberta begin!... almost...

2006-05-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well, for all of my friends who are hockey fans, this will be redundant, but EDMONTON WON! WOOT!
Heh.
I don't actually watch all that much hockey, mainly just the playoffs. And I just can't express how cool it is to actually have Edmonton this far in. Eight years folks. Eight! It's about time!
It was a really good game actually, once the Oil actually decided to show up that is. So, rather, it was a pretty good third period. I don't know who they put on the ice for the first two, but I think it must have been their stand-ins or something, because it certainly wasn't them. Prettiest skating I've ever seen. I don't think they hit a single red wings player until the third period.

Ah well. The last period was fantastic and they pulled off some pretty spectacular goals. One right through the legs of the red wings' goalie. Sweet.

Calgary on the other hand, didn't live up to their side of the bargain despite Iginla dropping the gloves within the first five minutes of the game.

Damn it Calgary! Pick it up! This could be really interesting!

Office bitches...

2006-04-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

So I've just been informed (and this is on the low down so don't you pass it on) that I'm going to be elevated from "long term temporary" status, to full blown permanent.
Woo wee.

What does this mean exactly? Well... it makes it a whole lot harder for me to quit.

Ok... not really. I mean I could just walk in a quit tomorrow if I wanted to. But businesses these days do this interesting thing where you go in stages. You start as a short term temporary. This is your three month 'testing' phase, where the business decides if you're good enough to meet their standards, work with their people, etc. If you pass the pseudo 'test' you get to long term temporary. This is where you get (if you're lucky) to have a basic benefit package, as well as an extended contract. You are, however, still a contracted worker and therefore if they discover they've made a terrible mistake they can just let your contract run out, rather than renewing it at the end of the six or however many months.

Then, if you're a good little girl (or boy), you make it to permanent.

Permanent means that you're no longer contracted. They can't just let you expire, and you get an even better benefits package.

And all this is designed just to keep you in the system.

It's like dangling a carrot... look what you can have! Benefits! Vacation! Paid leave! You know you want it! They don't even really look at you as human I don't think. Just as a type and function. "Permanent full time. Image Clerk 1. Next!"

Like drones, we are... and I've just become another one of them.

Rah rah.

I have a mini crush...

2006-04-27T16:07:00.000-07:00

First, let me just say that I'm not very good with boys.
Ok, that's not entirely true. I'm great with boys. I'm just not so great with the whole boy-girl thing. You know, the part where you're trying to figure out if you like them, and then when you do, the whole 'do they like me back?' 'is this worth my time?' thing.
That part.
I'm a pretty spontaneous person, for the most part. I like it when things just happen.
This is why I avoid crushes at all costs. You tend to hit a point where you actually have to figure out what to do... it NEVER just happens. Well... the crush part just happens, but the whole part of what comes after is soooo tedious. Typically I just get annoyed with myself and give up.

Michelle and I were talking about this today. I (we) wish that it was just completely straight forward. You know: "I like you. Do you like me? Yes? Good. Let's go do something."
Like that.

Sure it takes all the suspense out of things... but at least I don't go crazy just wondering myself to death.
Whenever my brother gets all worked up about a girl, I tell him to just go and ask her for coffee. I mean, if you don't ask, the answer's already no. So it's not like you're loosing out by asking and getting a no answer. Heck, you might get a yes... and then you're really somewhere!

Funny that it's so much easier to give advice than to take it oneself.

____________________________________________________________________
*I did it! I sent the e-mail! Now it's just a game of wait and see. Wait and see if he reads it instead of deleting it (since the my e-mail addy has nothing to do with my name). Wait and see if he replies. Wait and see if it's a yes...

No more anonomizing

2006-04-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

Well folks, the 'anonymous' option on my comments section is now turned off. Why you ask? Well, the last anonymously posted comment (which is now deleted in a fit of vindictive rage I might add) really peeved me.

Let me just note two things. One: I know this is a public blog and therefore all sorts of people are going to stop in and read it. As is their right. If I didn't want that, I shouldn't have started blogging. Two: The purpose of my blog is NEVER to offend a specific person or group. Sure, I take issue with certain things. It's my BLOG... that's what I'm supposed to do. But I try to write things as off the cuff as possible. 'A piece of me for a piece of you' if you will. And I have no problem with people voicing their own opinion of my opinion in the comments. That's what it's there for.
But please people, for the love of all things held holy, don't patronize me. Don't belittle me. And please try not to be rude. It hurts my delicate feelings.
If my blog hurts your feelings in some way, TELL ME THAT... don't just post some rubbish comment about how out of control I am.

So anonymous is gone. This way, if you're going to be rude, the least you can do is tell me who you are. That way I can send ninjas.

Hot Hot Heat, the Coral, and Death Cab for Cutie

2006-04-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I've finally done it. I've updated my frikin' CD collection.

What the heck does that mean you ask? Well, I do buy new music... don't get me wrong. But I've never actually gone through and cleared out any of the old stuff. There's some pretty ridiculous stuff that was sitting in my CD collection. Thankfully, it took only a moment's time (Mariah Carey? What the hell is this doing here???) to clear everything out, and about 20 CD's later I decided it was now time to go and buy all those CD's I'd been intending to buy and just hadn't got around to.

Happy happy me!
Not so happy pocket book (ninety how much??)... but my ears (and my shelf) are now both much happier places.

Yay for me! Yay for new music!

(PS. Michelle, you were right! I LOVE Death Cab. Woot!)

Look but don't touch... that's all I do!

2006-04-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went out for a few (and a few, and a few more) and hung out with some friends. For those of you who don't know me, I become a MASSIVE flirt when I drink. Huge. It's not even funny. (Actually, it's really funny, but hey...) I don't really mean anthing by it... I mean, it's pretty obvious when I'm just flirting and when I actually have the hots for someone (the difference is usually in the amount of physical contact: if I'm kissing you, it' probably means I like you... uh... more on that later...). I had a pretty decent night, flirted with everyone regardless of gender, and went home to crash.
Apparently, one of the girls that was there (a friend of a friend's girl) decided that I had a HUGE crush on her boyfriend and she was going to say something about it. So, the following morning, when my friend and her friend were out for breakfast, she said I had a crush on her boyfriend RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER BOYFRIEND. And not even something like "your friend is a flirt" or something, but "she has a crush on him". Period. No question.
Excuse me? For one thing, you don't even know me, so please stop making assumptions about me. And for another, how in god's name to you expect me to feel even remotely comfortable around you anymore? I was flirting with him, not sleeping with him. Sheesh lady... gain some confidence in your boyfriend! Now all I'm going to be able to think about when I'm around you is 'have I even remotely flirted with her boy today?' 'Can anything I'm currently doing be construed as trying to get rid of her?' Am I not supposed to talk to her boyfriend when she's around now? What is this nonsense?
My friend, who shall remain nameless, basically said that I have a crush on everybody, so she really shouldn't take it to heart.

And did I mention that I was DRINKING?

The really funny thing, is part way through the night there was this other guy that I actually was kissing... and her boyfriend was there, so I'm assuming that she was too... but apparently even though there were other, FAR more obvious displays of, um, affection... I still have a crush on her boyfriend that must END NOW. RAH!
How rediculous is that?

Arg.
Girls are stupid.

The world is a very strange place

2006-04-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I saw a guy I haven't seen in six years.

Wednesday night is Karate night. It's funny, because I skipped last week (naughty me) and thus felt like I had to be there yesterday. So I'm in the middle of, well, Karate stuff... and who walks in but this guy that I'd grown up with, gone to class with; he was like the frikin' big brother I never had.

He walked over and gave me a huge hug.

It's funny, because I've been wanting to tell him for ages what an asshole he's been. He never returns e-mails, only sends these mass (ridiculous, stupid, arg) letters out to a million and one people to let them know how his life is, but never seems to care about anyone else.
SO MAD.
But then when I finally saw him again, all I could tell him was how much I missed him.
SO MUCH.

It's funny, because Mark's the kind of guy that I could see myself spending a lifetime with. As a friend, as a lover... I don't know. The last time I saw him I was barely old enough to legally drink, let alone think of this guy (who's about six years older than me) as anything other than a really great friend. And he was, at one time, really great. Something happened when he left. I don't know.
I want to forgive him. I want to get to know him again. We're both strangers now... although every once and a while, we'd both say something at the same time and then laugh. It's weird the things that don't seem to change.

I asked him to coffee... but I don't actually know how to get ahold of him while he's in town.

Do I actually think anything will happen? Not really. I mean, we're totally different people now than we were then... and we're both going in completely different directions.
But what a strange feeling this is; seeing him again... so strange...

I'm glad that I didn't be mad at him, and I'm glad that the first thing he did was give me a hug. But I can't help thinking about the fact that if I wasn't at Karate, I never would have seen him.

As is, after this... I may never see him again.
What a strange, bittersweet meeting.

I'm in such an odd mood.

The big ol' 2-4

2006-04-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

*sings*
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday, Happy birthday...
Happy birthday to me!

Ok, so it was actually yesterday... but seriously, 24 doesn't really feel all that different from 23. Hmph.

Ah well.
*sings*
Happy birthday to me...

Random work blogging

2006-04-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I happened to be on line today (ha ha, happened to be... that's funny...) and noticed that gee whillikars my blog hasn't been updated for over a month.
Yikedoodles.

So here I am, writing in my blog when I actually should be working. Yee haw.

Of course the question falls as to weather I actually have something to write about. (And if that's the correct weather to use in this sentence. I always forget which one is which. Weather, or whether... actually, I think it's the second one. Oops.)

Truth to be told, I really have very little to say. I'm supposed to be writing on all sorts of things. Namely writing a novel, historical culturalisms, and the word Purity and its archaic conotations. But in all honesty, all I can think about is the fact that I forgot someone's birthday today. I'm really bad for that... remembering dates and names... I forget what day my mother's birthday is all the time, and I think it's a little too late in our relationship to ask her.
Ha... ah well.

Happy birthday to everyone who's day I forget... and a very merry unbirthday to you too.

I'll write about that other shtick later.
Really.

MMmmmmm... brainzzzz....

2006-03-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

I think that working in an office, at a desk, all day, saps your brain power. Looking back over the past few months, I've noticed a definite drop in my creative endeavors. I mean, sure, there's this blog (that I started once I had the, uh, 'time' at work to write in it) but I look at the amount of time between actual thoughtful commentary (excepting the occasional dribble that I put up here) and I realize that I don't actually write on here much. 24 posts since I started.
That's it.

Sad.

I can do better. I know I can. This is a girl who has trouble keeping within the word limit on my essays, even though I leave them till the last minute. Who can chatter with the best of them, who has witty commentary and trained rhetoric.
But I can't seem to maintain this flipin' blog.
Nor can I seem to continue exercising my writing skills now that I'm not in school.

I want to. I try. Sort of. But it seems that I get up so early in the morning that I can't do anything but come to work, and then, having worked all day, I get home and want to do nothing more than read or play video games. It's enough work just to get myself to exercise my muscles let alone my brain.

I know I was busy when I was in school too. But I was still creatively active; writing essays, speeches, assignments. Rehearsing scenes, plays. I was actively working that mass of gray matter upstairs. Now, I don't have that. I'm not saying I'm getting dumb or anything. But I'm certainly not working that hard anymore. I just go. And do. The same. Everyday.

That's it! I shall take an active stand against creative atrophy!

Get me out! I need sushi! I need art! I need inspiration!
This place is sucking my brain!

Ohmigod I hate being sick

2006-02-27T11:12:00.000-08:00

I do. I really, really do.
There's a reason that I want to move away you see.
It's not that I don't like where I live... I enjoy the snow and sunshine... but I can't stand the cold.

I know, I know... cold doesn't cause colds. (Uh... yeah... that's right... heh.) But it seems that whenever it gets cold out, I get sick. Without fail.

I thought that maybe I'd just been imagining things this past few years. That I just hated the cold so much, that I attributed all bad things to it, illness included. But this year I noticed I'd been ridiculously healthy for quite some time.
Then the weather dropped. And now, I'm sick.

And not just that sneezy, blow-your-nose kind of cold (although I started off with one of those when the temperature first decided to drop.) I mean, headache, runny nose, dry eyes, chest cough... the works. I was spoiled by our unseasonably warm weather and thought I might actually get through the winter without this nastiness.

But no. The cold had to make an appearance. And now, I'll be battling sickness until it starts getting warmer again.
Arg.

Time for a little bit of Fix-it

2006-02-13T10:51:00.000-08:00

Every once and a while (well, I hope it's every once and a while) a person comes across something about themselves that they'd really like to change. Usually it's physical things: waist line, bum, nose... but sometimes it has to do with one's personality.
Now I know we all have things about ourselves that we don't really like. But many times we just learn to accept that part of ourselves, and inevitably it makes us a better person for it. I, for instance, have a formidable temper. This I know and therefore, when I'm angry, I work very hard to be able to explain my anger in a civilized manner. (I still blow up occasionally, and thus I'm also a very good appologizer! Ahem!)
Sometimes however, we find something that we really want to change. Really want to get rid of. This is what I'm currently trying to do.

And no... it's not just the extra ten pounds that I'm carting around these days... which I'm also trying to get rid of (see last post for details.:)

I realized today, that I do something that I really don't like. Ok, I actually have known for a long time that I do this, but I'm finally looking it right in the face.
I qualify my time with people.
As in quality wise: I analyze the hell out of things.

I do this a little bit with everyone. Check up on myself you might say. But it's especially bad with boys. Why did he do that? Why did he say that? What did that mean? Hell, I even wonder if certain gestures and conversation topics have hidden meanings.

It's ridiculous. (Especially for boys who, correct me if I'm wrong guys, don't typically engage in the sort of come-hither type subtleties that girls tend to.) I mean, seriously, I could have had a great time... but the next day I'll pick the day before to pieces and won't be able to think straight for worrying. I'll completely wreck an entirely good time by massive dissection.

I want to stop. I need to stop.
How can I fully enjoy life if I'm constantly preoccupied by what might have been meant?

I mean really... any good friend of mine knows: if you've got something to tell me, just say it.
I need to stop worrying about the stuff that's not said. It's going to kill me.

Stupid metabolism

2006-02-10T11:54:00.000-08:00

Back in the good old days of high school, I was a wisp of a girl. Solid, but definitely wispy. As in, I was teeny. I had a frikin' 25in. waist line I'm telling you. Crazy.
Why so fit? Well, besides the fact that I was in Karate (and thus, deadly... aha!) I had this wonderful thing known as a high metabolism. Ah... those were the days.

Well, the other day I noticed: Gee... I'm just not the same shape that I used to be. I mean, I am by no means fat... but I don't feel as healthy as I did then, and I'm certainly not as toned as I was. And my waist is not 25in anymore. Bummer.

Where did that high metabolism go? How can I get it back?

It's funny, there are so many things on the market now that claim to make you "loose weight! Up your metabolism! Have more energy!" but really, what's the best cure?
Work out.

Well, a friend of mine (alison) has decided that she wants to get back into shape. Thus, a challenge was issued. We compare at the end of April.
Now I know that we're not going for pound to pound weight loss, or anything like that... we both just want to feel better about ourselves.

I want to wear low slung pants and a short shirt and NOT worry that people might be looking at my not-so-toned stomach. I WANT them to look damn it!

So, it's begun. I'm going to do it. Really.

I will obtain that illusive metabolism once again.

Now all I need to do is kick this stupid sugar habit...

No wonder I'm not going anywhere.

2006-02-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

I thought it would be very enjoyable to go and visit a friend of my in Ottawa for my birthday, so I started looking into days off and stuff like that. I figured, if I keep my eyes open I could find some sort of seat sale.
I hunted down a few websites proclaiming the cheapest seats on the net, and started hunting:
"Hmmm... let's see here... Edmonton to Ottawa, round trip, go. Gee this is... HEY! THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT! WTF?"

Yessirie-bob, it's true. The reason why Canadians don't travel in Canada is because IT'S TOO F*CKING EXPENSIVE!

I mean, really! I could travel to LA and back again, twice, with the amount of money that they expect me to pay just to get to Ottawa! It's obscene!

And they wonder why we all shake our heads and go somewhere else.
Ridiculous.

On intolerance

2006-02-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

The other day I got into a discussion with a friend of mine on religion.
I know, I know. The two things that you're not supposed to discuss with people: religion and politics. But I thought, 'Hey, this guy's my friend. No problem.'

Boy was I wrong.

Now, I'm not going to go all the way into my beliefs, because it would take a lot of page space, but suffice to say that I'm pretty open to any and all ideas. As a friend of mine said, you could worship a mouldy orange on your desk if you really want to and I won't think less of you for it. I may be quite fascinated, and ask you a lot of questions, but I would never belittle your faith.

That, dear readers, is exactly what this friend of mine did to me.

I was shocked. I mean, I withheld most of my ideas pretty early on because I sensed that he wasn't so open. But he still managed to tell me that I was wrong, I was going to hell, and I obviously had no idea what I was talking about, all in one conversation!

Really! How dare you tell me that "so and so" knows way more than I do about this, and his research shows that... etc. etc. Do you really think that I would make a completely arbitrary and uniformed decision about my beliefs? Unbelievable!

I informed him that yes, I knew just as much as "so and so" and that my research (of which I've done a lot) showed something quite different.
But I'm still mad.

~sigh~
I hate to say this, but I really should have seen it coming. I get intolerance from a lot of Christians when I voice my ideas on faith. And yes, I'm aware that most of the people in Canada are Christian, and that's part of it... but it's pretty shitty that I remember them for that.

Intolerance. I pride myself on being so open... but I'm completely intolerant of intolerance.
Does that make me just as bad? Hmmm.

Friday Nite X-files

2006-02-03T10:48:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm going to attempt to finish off the ninth season of the X-files.

Yes, that means I've already watched the other eight.

And they're actually a lot of fun. I mean, I watched them as a kid and all, but I stopped watching by about season five, maybe earlier. So when a friend of mine (who is an x-files maniac I might add) suggested we watch them starting at season one, I thought "hey, why not? I liked them as a youngin', maybe it'll be fun to watch them now."

Hmmm. It's actually more of an adiction now. It's so nice to be able to watch them without comercials! And there are some really great ones! Like that one, when Mulder gets sucked into a video game and Scully has to come in and bail him out! Or the one where they get sucked under the ground by a giant, man-eating mushroom! Or the one where Mulder...

Would you think less of me if I say I want to get laid?

2006-02-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

You do, don't you! You think less of me for even just posting it!
Bums!
Ok, seriously though, there's more to it then that. I mean, yes... I want to get laid. But it's less about the sex and more about the desire. Someone desiring me I mean. I've been feeling rather undesirable lately.
I want to feel WANTED.
I want someone to caress me, hold me in his arms, nibble my ear and tell me I'm sexy.

Yup. That's all...

Unfortunately, my list of "don't wants" is longer than my list of wants.

I don't want a complete stranger. Sure, partial strangers are ok. I mean, there was this one guy... but he was a friend of a friend, so not a total stranger. I will not walk up to some random guy in a bar and ask to get it on. Ew.
I want someone I'm attracted to. Duh, you say. But seriously, I couldn't do someone I wasn't physically attracted to. Even if they're totally not my type. As long as I'm thinking "Yup, I'd do him" that's all I need.
I don't want a hanger-oner. I mean, I don't mind being friends and all, but I'm just looking for a tumble in the hay. That's all.
I don't want it to be awkward the next day. Not even a little. I want to be able to see him two days later and have a decent conversation with him. And possibly more sex later. Hmmm.
I don't want him to tell all his friends about this crazy girl he took to bed last night. Or two days ago. I guess that falls partially under the not-complete-stranger category. I trust my friends not to let me go home with some guy who's a dick. Or rather, not a complete dick anyway.

Hmmm... is there anything else?
So do you all think I'm a complete wank?
Can't help it. Want to feel like a hottie again.

Even just for a bit.

Have I still got "it"? Hoping to find out.

And that, friends, is the weirdest thing I've ever posted.
Does this make sense to anyone besides myself?

Glory Days

2006-02-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

As I was sitting today at my desk, dedicatedly sleeping... ahem... doing my work of course, I had this incredible urge to jump up and shout: "That's it! I quit! You're all a bunch of losers! AHA!"

I didn't, of course, for the simple fact that I really do need this job, and the income it provides, but it was a near thing indeed.

Today on my Yahoo page my horoscope said: After thinking about making changes for so long and not mentioning it to anyone, the obvious solution has suddenly dawned on you: If you really want to change, what could possibly fulfill that urge more dramatically than moving, long-distance? After all, that would mean you'd have to change your home, your job, all your relationships and all your habits. If all this sounds invigorating rather than frightening, get busy. The sooner the better.

~sigh~

Now, don't get me wrong here folks. I don't actually pay attention to my horoscope. I have it on my sign-in page for kicks. But today I just stopped and stared at it for a while. I mean, this is EXACTLY what I've been kicking around for the past, oh, year or so...
Unfortunately, this type of sudden inspiration requires money. Money requires me to stay right the heck where I am.
Arg.

Ye Gods of wealth are bastards I tell you. Couldn't you just once try to get along with ye Gods of Happiness?
Money may not buy you happiness... but it sure buys a lot of other things.
(My student loan, my plane ticket, my rent...)

Oh no, not again...

2006-01-27T10:46:00.000-08:00

It's attack of the children round two.
Yet another graduate of my highschool class... yet another baby.
I mean really folks, if I needed to be reminded of the fact that I sometimes feel like I'm missing something here in life, I would have told you.
Seriously.
But instead, I seem to be bombarded lately with the "everyday life". The one that you're supposed to do when you graduate. You know, get a solid job, find a husband, have kids. Awww, how... suburban?
*sigh*
I can't do it though... I just can't feel like that's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I can't feel like that's where I'm supposed to be and I just messed up somewhere.
HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE ALREADY HAVE CHILDREN?

Man... I've got to stop drinking the water in this place. That's got to be what's causing this epidemic.

Run! Hide! The children are coming!

2006-01-17T11:31:00.000-08:00

Today, in the adventures of me, I ran into a girl that I graduated with.
Well ok, not ran into exactly... in fact I saw her but she, as of yet, has not seen me. In actual fact, I've known this girl works for the same place that I do, and that I would probably be seeing her eventually. The reason that I haven't seen her yet? She's on maternity leave.
And today I saw her standing at the front of the building as I was rushing in with my lunch.
Her... and her new baby.
Ack! Wha..? No!
Easy there girl, you're saying, it's just a baby. Girls at your age have babies all the time. Girls at your age are MARRIED and have babies all the time. It's perfectly normal. Get a grip on yourself.
But you see, the thing is, I can't even imagine having a baby. Ok, I mean, I can... but seriously, I still feel like a kid myself. How in the name of any and all the gods would I be expected to raise a kid when I have yet to reach the point when I don't feel like one?
Now, I'm sure that part of this has to do with the fact that I went straight out of High School and into University. And spent a long time there. A really long time. Technically, it's only been in the past half year that I've actually not been a student. I'm sure that's got to have some sort of adverse affect on your psyche. I haven't had the chance to experience the world outside of school much yet.
By the same token though, I don't even see myself getting married, let alone having kids, for the next, oh, say five to seven years or so.

I mean really, there's just waaay too much to see and do yet. What in the world would I do if I had someone else I had to look after too?

Weird. It's just too weird.

The Day the World Ended

2006-01-13T13:16:00.000-08:00

Just the other day I was exposed first hand to the wonders that technology has given the world. As I was at work, busily typing away at my keyboard, the power suddenly went out.
Oops. Hope there wasn't anything there that needed to be saved.
Takes about half an hour, but the power eventually comes back on again. We all settle down to get back to work...
and discover that we can't access a thing.
Nothing.
Nada.

The server... is down.

*evil music plays* Dum dum dum....

So those of us who actually know how to take care of the paper documentation, do so (which only takes about an hour) and everybody else goes home. Why? Because the entire business functions electronically. Even the paper that moves through the system becomes electronic eventually.
Paper, my friends, is obsolete.

It's funny, because the bibliophile in me cries 'NO!', but the environmentalist cries 'Yes baby! No more tree killing!"
~sigh~
But furthermore, and more to the point actually, it was just another illustration of how ingrained this technology has become in my life; in everyone's lives really. As I've previously mentioned, I'm a supergeek, so having a computer, a laptop and a pda isn't that big a thing to me. (I'm not even as super a geek as some of my other friends... yes... you know who you are...) But it made me think about the fact that the world, well the business/money side of things, would completely grind to a halt if something ever happened to the electronics. The best way to level a culture would be to drop a big ol' EMP bomb and just make sure they couldn't ever get electricity running again. We north americans would be squashed instantly.
Bug like.
It's a little humbling when you think of it that way.
We're more cyborgs than we realize.

A Day at the Zoo

2005-12-20T09:44:00.000-08:00

So, as previously mentioned, I work in an office building. I sit at a little desk, in a group with four other people (known as a 'pod' for you un-office savvy types), and work my little fingers off. I even have my own computer. Ahhh. Office bliss.
Anyway, the office that I work in is a rather 'progressive' sort of office, in that it has all of the top line machinery and the newest programs to run on it. So advanced in fact, that people actually come to visit my department to take tours of the wonder that is "Customer Records". (They also visit other departments too... but that misses my point.) In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a file clerk. Although to make me feel special my official title is "Image Clerk 1" and I only work with paper for part of the day.
Moving on, today was one of those days that we had a tour group going through. Usually they're met at the elevator by my supervisor, but today she's not here. So the 'work co-ordinators' were running the show. Needless to say, they weren't quite as co-ordinated.
To make this have the required impact, I must explain a little about the way the 'pods' are set up. Picture a whole bunch of little rooms just large enough for a computer desk in each corner. Each of these rooms has a door facing a shared hallway. Now, make all the walls only half-way up, and make of pinky-purple soft like stuff. There. You now have customer records.
Now take this little hallway and shove about 20 adults into it, all milling around because they're not sure where they're supposed to be. They looked a little like a herd of sheep that had wandered too far from the barn and were now lost. Curious, I looked up at them from my little pod.
They looked at me.
Suddenly, I was overcome by the sensation that feeding time at the zoo was just starting, and I was the most interesting (or the most voracious) creature in the park; all surrounded by my little walls and blissfully awaiting the magical food source while others scrutinized me from the other side.
Munch-munch.
The work co-ordinators finally caught up to them and milled them away, but not before my tummy began to rumble for the taste of that tempting human flesh on the other side of my enclosure...
Mmmmm... meat...

The Unfortunateness of having a real job.

2005-12-16T10:59:00.000-08:00

So like a good little girl, upon graduation (or near graduation rather) I went out and got myself a real job to pay off the ol' student loans. That's right folks; 8 to 4 working in an office. Woo hoo.
Yeah.
That said, I must admit that I understand the, well, charm of having a job such as this one. It's so secure, so... upwardly mobile? Seriously though, with a degree under my belt I could move up through the ranks of this company in no time flat. Come 10 years from now, I'd be one of those good, solid types with a decent income and a little home in suburbia.

Should I be running now, or can I hold out for just a few weeks longer?

No offense intended, of course, to those for whom having this sort of situation is actually a goal... it's just that I, by nature not only of myself but of my degree/life choices, am not the sort of person to crave this sort of thing. I mean, it's so darn monotonous that I'm nearly asleep at my chair. Same thing, every day. Same place every day. Same time every morning.
Ick ick ick.
I wanna work outside! I wanna travel! I intend to spend as little time as possible in one spot! Just because I have 20 different jobs in the next 10 years doesn't mean I lack ambition! It means exactly the opposite: I crave exploration.

There's just too darn much to see to stick it out in one old office building for the rest of my days.
Even if the benefits are really quite good...

On and on and on... the wonders of Blogging

2005-11-10T23:18:00.000-08:00

So currently, I am sitting at Alison's where she is berating for leaving a negative post on my blog for so long. I, in turn, am also berating myself, for leaving my blog for so long period. But what can I say. I seem to have grave difficulties in remaining dedicated to a new thing for any given amount of time unless it's something that reeeally strikes me for some reason. Right now I can't seem to think of any examples... but I assure you that they must exist somewhere... I think... Anyway, that said, I am now hereby posting a new message in the attempt to reacquaint myself with the wonders of the blogging world.
Wonder number 1: I can say just about whatever I want, and people will (most of the time) tend to think that I'm either being very deep and witty, or very distraught and in need of support. Which is fantastic to say the least. I mean, where else do you find this kind of undivided attention. It's warm and fuzzy folks. Warm and fuzzy.
Wonder number 2: People can say just about whatever they want, and I will think (SOME of the time, that they're either being very deep and witty, or very distraught and in need of someone else's support. Ok, not really. If I see one of my friends blogging about something that's bothering them, it's a clue to me to maybe give them a call. And perhaps a hug. People like hugs. They're warm and fuzzy.
Wonder number 3: The fact that I can sit at this computer, randomly type whatever the heck I want to... and know, that someone out there is going to read it. And is already in fact. Over my shoulder. Alison! Stop that!
Wonder number 4: No matter where I am in this little world we know as the Earth, I can always find out what's up with my friends. So long as they have a blog of course. Or an e-mail, though slowly even that seems to be becoming more and more archaic. In a way. You know what I mean. Or maybe you don't. That's wonder number 5 of this one.

And now that I've left you all feeling terribly ripped off by this episode of my blog... I hereby solemnly swear to write an actual entry soon. I really do have so much to say, after all. And this is still an interesting place to say it.

What? No parting sally?
'Fraid I'm at a loss... arrrr.

Boys are f*cking insane

2005-10-05T21:02:00.000-07:00

They are. Really.
Tell me, oh lads of the internet, why you must be so incredibly confusing to me.
I mean really.

Arrrrgh.

You see, it goes like this. Sometimes I meet people who I'd really like to be friends with. A lot.
Sometimes I meet people who I'd really like to have sex with. A lot.
And then, very rarely, I meet people that I'd like to be friends with AND have sex with. A lot! And when I meet a person like that, usually, for me anyway, that means that I probably want to date them. I mean, in a way, that's basically what dating is, isn't it? Two people who are attracted to each other in both the friendly and the sexy way who want to spend time together and who want to have lots of sex. Isn't that the basic definition of dating? Where did I miss the other steps? WHY DON'T BOYS DO IT THIS WAY?

Instead, and please correct me if I'm wrong, the male part of the world seems to associate dating as a completely separate structure from the good-friends-who-are-sex-partners. WTF?
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I'm good enough to hang out with, to call at 11:30pm and say "I need to get out, wanna go for a walk", and I'm good enough to have in bed. But I'm not good enough to date?
Please, oh boys of the world, explain this one to me.

'Cause seriously dudes, you're driving me crazy.

Get Yo' Geek on...!

2005-09-23T01:36:00.000-07:00

So I was reading my bio for clown (which I shall blog about in a later episode) and decided that it was high time for me to take up the old... uh... keyboard, and get back to keeping this ridiculous excuse for a blog. Ok, ok... I'll do better next time. Really. (And if you believe that, I've got a bridge to sell you...)
So what's been eating up all my time lately? Is it my ridiculously active social life? Uh, no. My incredible new job? Nope, not that either. How about that amazingly hot boy from work? Hah! I wish. In actuality, although admittedly I haven't been spending all my time on this, a shameful amount of time is being spent on...
DUNGEON SIEGE II!!!!
Raaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I am a warrior!
I am a hero!
I am.... ooooo, I am a geek!
Yup, it's true folks... my inner self revealed to you all. This girl, right here... geek. BIG geek.

Uh... did I mention geek?

It's a really cool game though! I get to run around and whack things with my two (count 'em, not one, but TWO) swords all while solving quests and saving the f*cking world! Who gets to do that? ME.
Oh yeah.

Ok. I'll stop geeking out about it. Really.

'Course, it doesn't help much that I spend the rest of my time with my nose in a book. Can anyone say book nerd?

Hello everyone my name is nerdgeek and I'm addicted to books and computer games.

Heh.
Ooooh dear...

heh heh... oops

2005-08-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

Well... aparently this plan of mine to have a blog so that I have no choice but to write all the time really hasn't worked so well. Don't get me wrong... I've been trying (really!) but there just always seems to be something else more important I could be doing. Not that I don't find bloging important, I'm just afraid that there are things that are more important. Like sleeping.
Admitedly, even now, I'm going to be a lame-ass and not even write a fully articulated entry. In fact, I'm just going to pre-apologise (and post I suppose) for my lack of continual writing abilites, and promise to post a new entry worthy of attention soon.
Really.
I mean it.

Beware the Almighty Karma

2005-08-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

Pre-show warning: Not feeling overly articulate but writing anyway. I apologize for the not-so-great writing skills on this one, but I needed to say it! Thank-you.

So Tuesday night, I went to a show with my very good friend Michelle. For those of you from Edmonton, it was Chromeo with Shout Out Out Out Out. (Whew! Say that three times fast!) I was excited, having been informed by my sceney connection (yes Michelle, that's you) that we were about to dance the night away! Oh yeah!
We ended up being just a shade late (needed to pee, that line was killer) and thusly got nearly back-row standing for Shout Out etc. Now as much as this is not what this entry is really about, I must mention that to a lil' ol' geek like myself... you scenesters are weird. There were literally rows of stationary people (well, stationary compared to myself, who was of course doing the shimmy) standing in typical scenester fashion. Arms crossed. Legs slightly out. The music was good so there were head bobs and leg wiggles. Oh, and the occasional weight shift from foot to foot in time with the music.
Ooooooo.
Heh.
Honestly, it was too funny to watch to actually be annoyed at the fact that there were some really tall scensters head bobing in my field of vision. (For those of you who don't know, I'm pretty damn short.) The music was decent (I liked them! I did!) although I think they totally wasted the fact that they had not one, but TWO drummers (hell yeah!) and really... I don't need to see the band to dance anyway. That's just an added perk. So I danced and had fun.
Boogie, boogie, boogie.
Now comes the really fun part.
For Chromeo, M and I decided we wanted to move up a little. (Actually, it was kind of a wordless decision... we just moved forward as the floor cleared.) So, seeing a friend of hers (hello Matt!) standing by the stage, we thought we'd get second row... um... stand. So there we were, waiting for the show, and I'm thinking "yeah! I can see! This'll be cool!" This is, after all, my first real scene show. Chromeo comes on, the music starts, hey! They're pretty good! So we dance. (Please note: there are still scenesters standing and head bobbing... though they are admitedly fewer now. Hmm!) I find the floor a little squishy this close to the front, so I don't feel inclined to dance with all abandon like some are doing. And besides, this is my first listen to Chromeo... I want to watch too!
Suddenly (brace yourselves people) out of nowhere, some chick comes shoving her way in front of me and stands so close that her hair is in my face. Um, hello? What am I, chopped liver?
I glare at the back of her head, throw a look at her friend (who is now standing slightly behind me) she shruggs, I move over and try to keep watching/boogieing, though now I am slightly put out. Of course, we all know what's coming. I had hoped that her friend would have the decentcy not to follow suit, but it turned out that she was just as rude as her counterpart.
"Sorry babe, I'm shoving through too!"
Well, gee babe, thanks a lot.
Not only have I been shoved past and stepped on, I've also been shunted back from my coveted second row space. I was very tempted to shove back between them with some sort of rude comment... but unlike other people (yes ladies, I'm talking about you here) I don't like to be an asshole. Even in a bar.
So fine. I take a deep breath. I can still see, sort of, if I cock my head between their hair, and of course I can still hear the music. So I take up a mini-boogie, still feeling rather disgruntled with the situation.
Well, rather than explain the next bit step buy step... I shall simply explain the outcome. The two 'babes' are followed by boyfriend (push-push, shove-shove) and finally, friend number three.

I don't know if there came more. I gave up and left.

Yes folks, that's right... my very first 'scenester' show and I got so pissed off I left.

My question to you 'babes' (and babe boyfriend) is this. Where do you get off thinking it's ok to just leave your courtesy and manners at the door? If I had of asserted myself, and said 'no way' when you tried to step in front of me, you would have been mad. Why? Because even though you're apparently an uber-fan (and thus your experience must be so much more important than mine) you're not fanly enough to stand in front of the stage for half an hour to get a good spot. No no.
You, the uber-fan, simply have priority over those of us that are only new to this band, and thus don't really need to see them to understand their splendor.

And if you missed the sarcasm there, you should just stop reading now.

YOU PEOPLE ARE A BUNCH OF POO-HEADS! Because of you, I had a rotten time! Because I'm not willing to be as rude as you are, or as self-centered, I get pushed out of the way?
Oh well... with fans like you, I guess Chromeo doesn't need more people to like him right? God forbid that I ever turn out to be like you people.

I hope karma kicked in on the way home, you tripped and hit your head, and now are robbed of your obviously vital Chromeo experience.

Wow, that was nasty. Ick.

Now, to be honest to all you scenesters out there, I have been informed that this is not scenester (or hipster) practice. Because hipsers/scenesters frequently go to a lot of shows, they know they don't particularily care for being stepped in front of and thus don't do it to others. This I can believe since as I mentioned during the first show, hipsters (and scensters: what's the difference? I shall tabulate for a later blog) like to stand-dance. They head bob and occasionally wiggle if the music really needs to be danced to. They are uber-fans in a much more polite (and much more other-people-friendly) sort of way.

So to all you uber-fans out there, who think it's ok to wreck someonelse's evening to the betterment of your own beware. Karma will one day kick you in the ass!

Gameboy Found!

2005-08-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

Yay!

Arrrrgh!

2005-08-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

I am so mad.
And stupidly, I'm going to use this incredibly public area to rant about it.

Ok, so maybe not "mad" so much as frustrated and wound up tighter than a good pocket watch.
Arrrrr!
What has set me on this rant?
Well, other than the scary amount of work I have to do this weekend...
I decided to carry my gameboy(TM!) in my purse with me today so that I could fiddle with it given half the chance. I swear, it did not leave my purse until it mysteriously vanished when I sat down in the car to come home. Really! It was there the entire evening until then! In fact, I could have sworn it was in there when I opened my purse to remove my keys and glasses. I smiled at it goddamn it! But somehow it managed to vanish into thin air when I went to put everything back in! I searched that whole f*ckin car and not a thing did I find! Where the hell did it go? What is wrong with me? Why do I manage to loose these things in such a way that I have no way of figuring out where the hell they went to? Aaaargh!
So then of course I traced my steps (as much as possible, can't get back into the university of course because it's after 10) and drove all over the place. Nothing! Nada! Shit!
And then somehow being mad at that made me mad at everything else, I mean that's a good 100 buckeroonies down the drain, what with the game in it and all, and I was listening to Apocalyptica which has the uncanny knack of either making me feel really good or even more angry and debating on the fact that I've just spent 5 years on a degree that I'm not even sure what to do with and I'm throwing all that f*cking money at the university for that stupid non-course and I'm not going to the islands this fall like I'd planned and what the hell am I doing with my life I'm 23 and I should know by now!
How this all stems from a gameboy I don't know.
But it does.
Stupid goddam gameboy.
Where the hell is it???

Proceed with Caution?

2005-08-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

Ya know... the fascinating thing about "blogging" is that it makes journal writing much more, well, public. You can't really talk about the things that you would usually talk about in a journal. Well that's not true, you can... but then you may end up stepping on more than a few toes. And possibly giving people waaay more information than they actually need.
That said, it makes for an interesting predicament if you intend to try and talk about someone who might actually read your blog. Now, my friends who read this, you are all alertly watching to see if your name or persona appears on my entry. I assure you I will take utmost care to ensure that it will not. Unless you do something to really deserve it, weather for good or for ill.
Why this random fact just popped into my head? Well, it seems to me that a blog is meant to be an entry of my life and what's been interesting me lately. But what happens if said interest just happens to be one of my coworkers? Or what if an interest has developed concerning something a friend is doing? Or not doing for that matter?
Is there actually a way to type about someone in a fair and unbiased manner?
Of course not.
So maybe there's a way to do it without their knowledge?
Hmmmm.
I suppose I might just end up stepping on any number of toes by doing that. I could start with... "I called said girlfriend today..." and that could lead to any number of my female friends. And then of course all of their hackles are up...
Well.
This blogging thing takes more discretion than previously thought.
But ya know... there is this guy...

Officially F*cked by the University Administration

2005-08-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

Greetings all and welcome to my very first rant.
That's right, I'm going to tell you all about how much I am currently in loathing of the University of Alberta.
But allow me to start from the beginning.
Just a few weeks ago I received a notice in the mail stating that I owed the university no less than $614.69 for a class in the summer term.
Er....?
Well, sure enough, it turns out that I had registered for a course and then forgot to drop it. Oooo. Ouch. Allow me to remind everyone who knows me (and the few of you who may read this who don't) that I actually am one of those people who would forget my head on the bus if it wasn't attached to my neck. In fact, it's a good thing that my neck is attached too, because I'd probably forget them both together.
But I digress.
So, I thought maybe, since it was an honest mistake, that I could call the university and after explaining the situation they might wave the fees.
Fifty hoops jumped through, and several phone calls later, I have been abruptly reminded that the university is an institutional administration and therefore has no sympathy, empathy or compassion for us poor, starving souls known as the university cash cows.
And then, to top off the cake with a little more vinegar, I discovered that I've even missed the withdrawl date, so I'm due for a big fat F on my transcript come september.
That's right folks, I've been officially butt f*cked up the ass with a stats textbook.
I don't even have a good comeback here. Shit.

My Dad the E-Racer

2005-08-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well, now that I'm "blogging it up" as it were, I need to tell all about my Pops. I don't know if anyone is familiar with the racing scene (running, that is) but this weekend my Dad just finished running the Death Race in Grand Cache. Solo.
For those of you who aren't familiar, the Death Race is an "extreme race" over three mountain ranges for a total of 125km. You have to do it in 24hours or you're out. And there's neat/evil little quirks in it like: you have to carry a coin with you to cross the river part way through... if at any stop (there are 'legs' you see) they ask to see your coin and you've lost it, you're out of the race. Ouch.
None the less, why I think this is post worthy? Well, not only am I super proud of my Dad for being 50 no less, and being able to run/hike that far in 24hours by himself, but my Dad also has arthritis in his lower back. The first doctor he went to told him he wasn't alowed to run over 5km ever again.
His rheumatologist on the other hand, told him if it felt good, he should keep going.
So he did.
I hope I can say the same thing when I'm 50.

"If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?"

2005-08-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

Yes, I suppose I would. Well, wouldn't you? I mean seriously, if you think about it... the likelyhood that my friends would just randomly jump off of a bridge is pretty small, so there's got to be some decent reason that they're doing it. Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe the bridge is on fire.
Or maybe there's just beer involved. Who knows.
Why do I bring up this age old parental anecdote? Well... the only real reason that I've decided to start my very own blog: my friends are doing it and I just thought I might as well tag along.
Plus it forces me to attempt to write everyday, which is excercise for this smallish organ known as my brain.
~whew~ The strain is killing me already.